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jessruthless's Blog


I slipping!

I slipping into this dark mood of mine. No smiles, no laughs, nothing but my depression. I hate myself. I hate others who make me feel this way. I hate myself even more for giving them the power. It's a vicious cycle. I could work out and diet but no my fucked up mine thinks that cutting and self loathing is a better option. What the fuck is wrong with me? I know better. I know in crazy. I know in slipping and that's not good. I'm watching my own death and demise. I'm watching helplessly while my brain knows what best but my heart makes me blind to reason. All I know is pain and heartache. It's stupid!

Low

I've been defeated. I'm low and hollow. I've been crying for the past few hours now that I am completely alone. I've been holding it in. I don't want to see Anytbing so the light are off. I'm afraid I might explode and break the mirrors and shatter my own way of viewing this lie. I want to gauge my eyes out. I don't want to see myself. Save me from this horror. I'm tired of all of this up and down bullshit. I'm tired of feel good just to be reminded of what I really am. UGLY!! FAT! CRAZY! NOTHING!!!! I honestly am sitting here with my blade pondering it I can really do it. If I can end it all. I would say "oh I can just workout and lose weight and then I will be fine". But I fear that that still won't e good enough. Not enough for them or for me. I will still see the ugliness no matter what. They will point it out until I die. I'm hopeless.

Fingers are crossed and body is going through hell!

Well I am officially 13 days late and my body is going through hell. I'm nauseated and throwing up, constipated and have diarrhea, headaches, heightened smell, tired all of the time, heartburn and acid reflux, food aversions and cravings, can't sleep on my stomach, peeing like crazy, sensitive uterus and lower abdomen area, and sore boobs. I tested when I was a few days late and it was negative. My symptoms have gotten more intense and I've had more show up as time has gone by. It's even a week since I test and I'm going to test again in the neat day or two. I am so excited and scared. I really want this to be it. My fist kid. I will be so excited and happy. My husband and I have been trying for years now. We have ha scares.

Relapsed

I cut again. I've had some serious drama lately. Wondering about a possible pregnancy, dealing with not feeling good enough for my mate, being extremely needy, wanting love and new experiences, and now the discovery of a husband feeling the same way. He wanted someone else and it hurt because he knew I did too. He knew I felt like I wasn't wanted here and all I wanted was to feel like I was sexy and valued sexually, emotionally, mentally and more. He wanted to have something new that he has been wanting to try. I can have my bisexual threesomes with him so why can't he explore a fetish? I encourage it actually. But he was looking behind my back and I thought he was cheating. I stupidly over reacted and cursed his name. I cut. I cut a inch long cut about a quarter of an inch deep into my wrist where I always do. The scar wasn't too Ba to cut through. I cut until I could feel the pain of my blade poking the vein and nerves. I stopped and played with it while loos trickled out on to my napkins. I dabbed the blood away and cut another layer deeper as it tried to heal. I keep cutting over and over in the same spot because it is less noticeable than multiple cuts that I use to do. This way I get deeper each time and one day I will cut deep enough to end it all. But not yet. This is what I have done. I escaped my reality by getting high and allowing myself to calm down as really look at everything. I could look at a broader spectrum of my situation. I can now see my options and what will come of it all. I'm just sitting here waiting for the right answer that will work for me. One that will be better and more amusing. Hell for all I know the world will end I won't have to worry about anything. But it could stay as is and I will have to be me and do what I always do. For now I'm enjoying the silence and watching my thoughts play out in my head.

I'm late!

My husband and I haven't used any sort of protection or birth control in 7 years. After our first year of being together we decided that we were going to be marred and want kids one day so we didn't need it. In those years I have been really irregular and it's hard to tell if I'm just skipping or in late. I have pregnancy scares all of the time. Ill skip a period or skip four. I've literally skipped four periods and had all of the symptoms including weight gain, swollen sore boobs, nausea, peeing, and much more. I took maybe twenty odd tests and had a blood test and all were negative. Well here lately in the past six months or longer I have been predictably regular. We have been having sex just about every other day for this time period. I had a period last month and I know we had sex many times durring my ovularion. Now I am about five days late. I was supposed to start my period days ago. I'm not feeling any symptoms yet except for slight lower back pain, crampy fullness feeling in my pelvic area, and this may not be related at all but my sex drive and need to have sexy has gone up. I'm wetter than usual. Normally it takes me a while to get fully wet. Now I'm moist all of the time. I'm worried yet excited. I want to have a child. I'm 24 and my husband is 28. We aren't getting any younger. We want to have kids while we are still young. But I don't want this to be like every other time. I don't want my heart to be crushed and my hopes to be lost. I want to have a baby so bad. Not so badly that we are ttc or look into ways to conceive if we can't. I dont want to be infertile. I want to be able to have a baby naturally. I want to give my husband a son or daughter. I want to have a life that I am able to create and love. I want to be pregnant this time. We would make great babies. I know we would be great parents and we would be very supportive, loving and actually do everything right thy out parents did wrong. Here is hoping I am! Im going to take a test soon if I don't have my period in the next week.

:(

I am so tired of feeling good about myself just to be knocked on my ass. Why do people have to be mean for no reason? I keep letting people insult me. I let it bother me more than it ever should. I hate that! I hate allowing them to ger to me. I just started to love myself. I feel like shit now. I just don't get it. I don't think I'm that bad looking. Yes I am fat. But I have a prettier face than most "hot" girls. I have an awesome personality and sense of humor. I hate that no matter what I do I am never good enough for anyone. I am never good enough for myself. I am trying so hard not to break and cut right now. But honestly ok all alone and the blade is right there hidden. I'm thinking about it. Mark another thing wrong with me. Another cut to remind me of how weak I am. I feel like bawling my eyes out. I haven't done shit to the people who insult me. Why do they have to do this to me?

I want to punch him in the face!

My husband is out of cigarettes and being annoying as shit. I am sick and tired of being stuck in this fucking hotel room with him 24/7. I want to seriously punch him in the face! I am sick and tired of his remarks and I can't help but get really angry when he is just joking. I can't fucking help it. I want to seriously just hit him and tell him to go fuck himself! I want to walk away screaming and beating things. My anger issues are back. I can't control it and I want to just explode.
My mood: pretty awake

Are you fucking kidding me?!

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So we meet again my old friend.

Last night I waited. My husband finally passed out around 4 am. I turned to make sure that he was really asleep then I opened my underwear drawer. I reached in and pull it out. It was still taped there on the inside of my drawer where I hid it when we first got to the hotel months ago. I grabbed a few napkins and started my much needed ritual.
I took out the razor blade and pressed it against my left wrist. I slide it down arm until I reached my palm. I had made a inch slit in the skin. Blood trickled out, warm at first but then turning cold. I blotted it with a napkin and cleared my canvas. I flies the blade downward again in the same cut making it deeper.
I pressed the napkin to my skin to allow it to soak up the blood and quickly cleaned the blade. I waited until it was finished bleeding before I removed the napkin. I then placed the razor blade in the napkin and put it back into my drawer. I laid there with my back to my husband and I sighed with relief. I had needed to cut. I hadn't cut in a few months. Nothing bad happened earlier to make me want to cut. My body just needed it. Life wasn't at it's best but I really had no need. No reason. I just woke feeling blue and just ached for it.
When I need to cut its like the need of an addict to get high. An alcoholic needs to drink, an annerexic needs to purge, and cutter needs to cut. It's like an addiction to pain. But not just the feeling of the pain. It's not like I want to hurt. I want the release that comes with the pain. The rush of endorphins and the distraction from the inner pain.
And yes, my best friend is a razor blade. When I was suicidal I tried all sorts of methods, hanging, overdose, gun, train tracks, etc. But I realized that I didn't want to die, I wanted to feel the release. So cutting stuck with me. I have begun to love my blade. I have been friends with it for over 12 years. I would hate to lose it.
My mood: pretty numb

Struggling with my self

All of my life I have been struggling to find that happiness that I see in most people. Now that I am older I see that most people are as unhappy as I am. However, I still feel as if I should be happy. Yes, there are times that I am truly happy and love my life. Then I see myself in the mirror or someone makes a snide comment and I am brought back down to reality.
I have always struggled with my weight and looks. I have always had a low self esteem. I have grown to hate myself over the years. I'm not confident and stable. I am in a low income family. I cut. I have mental illnesses. I hate my life.
I grew up in a tough life but it wasn't the worst it could have been. I have just been constantly crushed. I have been kept down on my belly like a useless worm. I have been made to stay in the pile of shit and forever reminded that that is my place.
Part of me wants to believe what others say when they compliment me or try to lift me up. I truly do start to feel better and feel more confident until one person reminds me of what I really am.
I am fat. I am gross. I may have a pretty face but that's only when I have my hair and makeup done. I hate my body when I see it nude in the mirror. I can see where I am meant to be thinner. I can see what I should look like but instead I'm stuck this way.
I want to look better. I want to happy and feel better. I don't want to hate myself. I don't want to cut anymore. I want to stop this struggle!
My mood: pretty numb

1-9 of 9 Blogs   

Previous Posts
I slipping!, posted January 23rd, 2013, 1 comment
Low, posted January 20th, 2013, 1 comment
Fingers are crossed and body is going through hell!, posted December 26th, 2012
Relapsed, posted December 20th, 2012, 2 comments
I'm late!, posted December 18th, 2012
:(, posted December 10th, 2012, 1 comment
I want to punch him in the face!, posted November 27th, 2012, 2 comments
Are you ******* kidding me?!, posted November 27th, 2012
So we meet again my old friend., posted November 25th, 2012
Struggling with my self, posted November 24th, 2012, 1 comment

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