Struggling with my self | jessruthless's Blog

All of my life I have been struggling to find that happiness that I see in most people. Now that I am older I see that most people are as unhappy as I am. However, I still feel as if I should be happy. Yes, there are times that I am truly happy and love my life. Then I see myself in the mirror or someone makes a snide comment and I am brought back down to reality.
I have always struggled with my weight and looks. I have always had a low self esteem. I have grown to hate myself over the years. I'm not confident and stable. I am in a low income family. I cut. I have mental illnesses. I hate my life.
I grew up in a tough life but it wasn't the worst it could have been. I have just been constantly crushed. I have been kept down on my belly like a useless worm. I have been made to stay in the pile of shit and forever reminded that that is my place.
Part of me wants to believe what others say when they compliment me or try to lift me up. I truly do start to feel better and feel more confident until one person reminds me of what I really am.
I am fat. I am gross. I may have a pretty face but that's only when I have my hair and makeup done. I hate my body when I see it nude in the mirror. I can see where I am meant to be thinner. I can see what I should look like but instead I'm stuck this way.
I want to look better. I want to happy and feel better. I don't want to hate myself. I don't want to cut anymore. I want to stop this struggle!